“We lost the kitten to a heterosexual drag queen.”
So said a text between two of my friends.
Halloween. It was like every other mediocre Friday night at National, except there were costumes. The best part of the night was in my condo. Girls, “punch”, and Taylor Swifts new album on repeat.
Shortly after we arrived my friends found a large group of Waldo’s.
I don’t have anything against Waldo, but I was not into being chatted up by these guys. Maybe I was just getting into character. I was Grumpy Cat. And the grumpy part set in as soon as I was surrounded by men dressed in red and white stripes.
I was contemplating leaving when my friend and I noticed a large woman in a revealing tight pink dress with cupcakes all over it. She was wearing a curly hot pink wig and looked kind of sad.
She waved; we waved back and went to sit with her.
Okay so, not a woman.
“Hey gorgeous how are you?” he said to my friend. My girlfriend would go on to say that she loved gay guys; she instantly felt incredibly comfortable with the guy in the pink wig and thick falsies.
Eventually my friend went back to her Waldo of choice and I got into conversation with the drag queen.
“Why do you look so grumpy babe?”
Because I’m Grumpy Cat, obviously.
He didn’t fall for that answer. You know when you don’t feel like talking about your problems with a stranger dressed as a drag queen but for some reason they feel compelled to give you a bunch of life advice anyways?
Eventually he stopped and said, “Take my arm darling, I’m not going to buy you a drink because there’s another girl here that I’m into, but I’m going to show you a good time.”
Wait, what? Apparently not gay either.
I decided to take his arm and do one lap. I’d have one more drink, go get a slice of pepperoni, and call it a night.
Unfortunately for my drag queen who had coined himself my fairy godmother, we ran into the mystery girl that he was into. But she didn’t see that he was just my fairy godmother, holding my hand in friendly companionship.
“What the fuck Dustin.”
I immediately snatched my hand away as he tried to reason with her. Was I going to get into a cat fight dressed as Grumpy Cat? That would be kind of funny.
She stormed off; he looked defeated.
“She wasn’t even dressed up. Look at you, Dustin. You deserve someone who will put as much effort into a costume as you did tonight. I seriously thought you were a woman.”
It was my turn to cheer him up. We spent the rest of the night standing at the bar. He started slurring and complimenting me way too much in between more life advice.
“Look at you. You’re so pretty. Except is your nose always that pink?”
No Dustin. It’s part of the kitty costume.
My phone buzzed. “Where are you Grumpy Cat!?” My friends noticed I was missing.
“Still with the drag queen. Pizza time?”
We all got given a phone number that night. 2 Waldo’s and 1 heterosexual drag queen.
Will I be calling my fairy godmother? Probably not. There’s something about thinking a guy is a woman, and then gay, and then realizing he’s as straight as can be that kind of kills any potential attraction.
But I made sure he knew how much I appreciated his kindness. He could have spent his night trying to pick up (and probably confusing) any of the witches, animals, nurses, slutty ____’s in the place, but he chose to try and cheer up a grumpy cat.