Boston Pizza

Written February 2015

Apparently Mercury is in retrograde. I don’t really know what that means but based on my research (my friends + google) weird shit happens and your intuition is heightened.

So I had an upcoming date that I was really excited for. Re: my last blog post. Via text and FaceTime I hit it off with this guy. I know – you can’t really say you’ve hit it off with someone you haven’t met, but in the land of Tinder FaceTiming felt like a big step. Not to mention we had been talking for three weeks and nothing he had said sent any red flags up for me. I had a good feeling about him. He said he had a good feeling about me.

[Lesson: Don’t believe anything anyone says to you]

Because of his work and my impromptu girls trip to Phoenix/Vegas [blog coming soon] we couldn’t get together until this weekend.

Date night rolls around.

For no logical reason I had some serious anxiety late in the afternoon. My intuition, thanks to Mercury I guess, was screaming at me. I just had a bad feeling. My heart was pounding and I felt exactly how I felt when I realized that I had been stood up last spring by camping guy.

Negative energy. Bad vibes. Impending doom.

I texted a couple of my friends and told them about my bad feeling. Obviously they all told me I was being irrational.

“You’re being crazy.”

“He’s been so excited to meet you this whole time – tonight is going to be great! Relax.”

“He is NOT going to stand you up. That’s already happened to you – twice. You can’t have that bad of luck.”

Etc, etc.

I get a text from him around 6:00pm.

“Finally got back into town. Drinking at Boston Pizza tho lol”

First of all what’s with the ‘lol’? Nothing about that is funny. It’s actually quite sad. I should have told him to fuck off right then and there but I’m too nice, so I played along for awhile.

He tells me, “We can still go on our date but I might be a little tipsy. I’ll need to cab it.”

[again, fuck you]

I asked if he still wanted to get dinner.

Silence.

Then I gave him a chance to stop bullshitting me. “I was really looking forward to tonight, but if you don’t want to go you can just say so.”

Silence.

Everyone I’ve told this story to has had the same reaction: Who gets drunk at Boston Pizza????

And also, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I will not even attempt to understand or ask why. All I know is that this was the last straw. Everything I said in my last blog post I take back. Don’t download Tinder – ever. I am no longer a supporter of online dating or dating at all for that matter. (We all know this isn’t true. I love love. I just need to let myself be angry about this for a day or so)

So I went out for dinner with my friends instead. Things started looking up when I saw that double mojitios were on special.

A couple hours later while dancing around my friends penthouse to yes, Taylor Swift, a charm on my necklace fell off, unbeknownst to me. This necklace was a birthday gift from a couple of years ago. The charm that fell off said: believe in love.

I must have been in the washroom or maybe just in my own world because I missed my friends finding it on the floor, reading it, pondering whether to give it back to me, and then coming to the conclusion to throw it off the balcony.

That’s a metaphor if I’ve ever seen one.

Klara admitted to me in the morning that it was she who chucked the charm into oblivion.

She felt bad. I laughed. It was too perfect.

I’m not sure if it was before or after the destruction of the love charm when I sent my Tinder flake one last message: “I hope Boston Pizza treated you well. And I hope next time you try and convince some girl what a gentleman you are you remember what a coward you were in this situation. Thanks for wasting my time.” Followed my two emojis: a passive aggressive thumbs up and a pizza slice. [Jill’s brilliant idea].

Pizza emoji. Take that asshole.

Other strange occurrences since Mercury has been in retrograde include me hearing about a strangely high number of break ups and a very unexpected blast from the past.

Guess who texted me last night?

No, not “Come over” guy though it’s been a week so I should be expecting a text soon.

Camping guy – the first guy to ever stand me up. He picked a bad time to ask me what was new.

Cut it out Mercury. The irony is that I’m sitting on my bed writing this wearing an oversized t-shirt that says “Love Is In The Air”

No. No it is not.

Astrologically Speaking

Published on It’s Date Night August 2015

It’s not you, it’s the planets.

If you’ve been reading me for awhile, you know that I have a growing curiosity about how the planets influence things (fuck with us). The other night I was starting to wonder if I was suddenly turning into one of those girls who goes insane right before her period. I felt completely unstable (I love you. Get away from me.), incredibly defensive (I am NOT being too sensitive Mom!), and ready to burst into tears if someone teased me even in the slightest. 

Also, my Catch Phrase game was completely off at the cabin this year. Something wasn’t right.  

Then I remembered that earlier in the summer while looking up my horoscope I had read about another retrograde approaching on July 25th, lasting until approximately September 6th.

I decided to see what this one was all about. Here are my findings:

It’s Venus’ turn to retrograde. She’s the planet of L.O.V.E. and this time, it’s all about “reassessment.” Reading this statement alone gives me anxiety. As much as I love spontaneity and surprises, change (and the reassessment that causes it) sometimes turns me into an over-thinking anxious binge drinking bitch. You know those times in life when you can feel change in the air but you’re not exactly sure what’s about to happen?

I’m not very good at being in that place. So this retrograde should be as fun as the last one.

Apparently Venus calls us to take a look at what truly matters to us. We might find ourselves reassessing our health, appearances, relationships and financial situations.

I ran through this list in my head.

Health: It’s the end of July which means my fitness level is at an all time low. Stampede followed by 10 days at the lake means my diet has included beer, coolers, wine, hot dogs (with chips on them), pretzel buns, cheese, and burgers. Every intention I had to start training for my half marathon at the lake failed.

I went on two runs. They were pitiful.

So ya, now seems like a pretty good time to reassess my health.

Appearance: Yes, it’s time for another spray tan. Also, I bought a feather clip-in for my hair. According to the seventeen thousand fashion blogs I find on Instagram, it’s festival season. Feathers are cool right?

Finances: Always in need of reassessment.

Relationships: The above link talks about how “heartstrings have the tendency to be pulled” in the form of old flames, new connections, temptations to cheat on your partner, or at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, you may realize the value of what you already have.

Sooooooo really, anything could happen.

On another website I came across (mysticmamma.com), astrologer Andrew Smith explains, “You are being asked to consider whether you are serving your own better interests or whether you are enslaved by that Dark Voice; you are being called to actively cultivate the skill of reflection, listening and discernment.”

By Dark Voice, I know Andrew must be talking about that petty critical judgemental voice that tells you “You Suck.”

I am familiar with that voice. I named mine Jessica, and she’s a bitch.

Reflecting, listening, and discerning is hard work. How do I tell the difference between my hormones, my “Dark Voice” (anyone else picturing Voldemort?) and my own trusty intuition? 

Also, according to darkastrology.com, if you’re single you should avoid one night stands at all costs. 

This retrograde is no fun at all!

You will surely develop an “obsessive attachment to the so called ‘friend with benefits’” and “you will most definitely be thinking with your reproductive organs and not your brain.” I don’t know about you but I feel like that’s how I operated 24/7 when I was single, not just during a retrograde. 

In summary:

1. Reassess your entire life including your hair but try not to listen to Voldemort, I mean your Dark Voice, while doing the reassessing. 

2. You might be tempted to cheat but that’s not very nice so don’t do it.

3. And if you’re single, don’t have sex. 

Worst retrograde everrrr.